My Boyfriend is an Ally Too
When RuPaul’s Drag Race UK season 2 started its engines in January, I asked my boyfriend to commit to watching the season with me.
We had recently moved in together after an exclusively long-distance relationship and television was a terrain mostly unexplored. I braced myself for what could be considered a typical straight man’s reaction to drag culture and media - asking questions like “what’s a tuck?” and then subsequently staring into his cell phone as though looking at the queens for too long would be akin to Medusa’s gaze...
I was relieved. He willingly obliged to tuning in.
Not only was he engaged, but he didn’t require any explanation - even learning nuanced drag vocabulary. Then, when our personal favorite UK season 2 queen, Bimini Bon Boulash, expressed their preference for they/them pronouns, our living room conversations adapted to that new knowledge without a second thought.
I’m thankful for these moments yet they are stark in contrasT to my past.
Homophobia has lurked in recessed corners of my former partners’ minds like a sneaky little devil.
Usually, the light would shine on their true feelings when it came time to act. Refusing to attend birthday parties or celebrations at gay clubs, the deeply insensitive (and delusional) “but I don’t want someone to hit on me there” remarks, fear of being seen by other men out and about in any gay scene. “What would my friends think if they saw me standing outside of Akbar, or dancing at Flicks?” I could no longer tolerate this in my life for the sake of myself, my friends, and humanity.
Finding a person to share my intimate life with who understands the true work of allyship became a clear prerequisite for a lasting and authentic relationship.
It seems so obvious, but the sentiment rings true and always will. When did the deep desire to be a “manly” man obscure the deep desire for making this a world safe, equitable, and inclusive place? That’s not a partner for me. That’s not a partner for anyone who loves their QUEER friends and family. I wouldn’t accept this behavior from people I call my friends, why would I accept it from someone who gets to be my boyfriend?
My friends who share loving relationships with me should know I’m going to bring someone around who isn’t afraid to check their own dude friends who might make homophobic “jokes” when they think it’s just “the guys”. They deserve someone who isn’t afraid to remind others to respect pronouns and chosen names, and frankly, someone who isn’t afraid to edit their own circle down to those who are as devoted to coming correct.
I grew up in and continue to live my life in the loving and uplifting arms of the queer community, it’s my job to extend my relationship’s loving and uplifting arms in return. Boyfriends don’t get a pass in humanitarian efforts.
My boyfriend is an ally, yours should be too.
